I Do Not Even Judge Myself
The long wait for a God's-eye view
But with me it is a very small thing that I should be judged by you or by man’s judgment. I do not even judge myself. For I know nothing against myself. Yet I am not justified by this. But He who judges me is the Lord. Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time until the Lord comes. He will bring to light the hidden things of darkness and will reveal the purposes of the hearts. Then everyone will have commendation from God.
1 Corinthians 4:3-5
Ever so often I find myself reflecting on the curious disconnect that often exists between inside and outside perspectives on our lives. There are some of the obvious, sometimes comic examples. A family shows up at church well-dressed and polite, and this is taken as a good reflection of a godly crew. Yet perhaps on the way to church there was nothing but fighting and stress, all manner of selfishness and vanity.
Similar cases have sometimes happened to me when I was called to teach some kind of lesson but did not adequately prepare, or indeed forgot to prepare at all. I happen to be fairly quick at reading and synthesizing crucial ideas on the fly, so people in my audience may get the impression that I was in fact very thoroughly prepared. Thus from my own perspective I was slothful and negligent, and from everyone else’s I had done something very well.
Obviously, in examples like these, the “real story” is not hard to find. The bickering family really has some serious sins at play, and the public facade hides them from view. When my meditation for confession was not prepared, the appearance of preparation was quite simply an illusion. Not all cases, however, are so simple.
Take, for example, J. R. R. Tolkien. He often thought of his work on his legendarium as a silly project by a selfish and silly man, wasting time he could have used to better fulfill his responsibilities to his job or family just amusing himself. Indeed, if it were not for C. S. Lewis’ encouragement, he likely would never have published, or even finished, any of it. Yet from the outside, by the common judgment of all sorts of men, he was a genius, an inspiring father, a conscientious Christian, etc. Who is right: the man himelf or his admirers? Was he too hard on himself, or are we just too blind to the inside scoop to judge rightly? Is the truth rather somewhere in between?
The same is so much more true when I reflect on my own life in general. Am I too lazy or selfish to do everything I should be doing, or am I pulling off as much as anyone in my circumstances can reasonably fit into a day? Seven children, two jobs, and a masters program may sound to friends, family, and acquaintences like good excuses for almost anything I’m not getting done, but then how do I manage to write hundreds, or even thousands, of words on Twitter or group chat debates while I say I have no time to blog or get ahead with lesson planning or work on projects around the house?
Now, do not misunderstand me as though I am in regular angst about who I really am and what virtues or vices I do or do not possess. I confess to sometimes pondering these things, but more often than existentially I think theoretically. How do I judge between what I might look like to the world and what I look like to myself? Is what I expect of myself too much, or are others just in the dark about my sins and failures? More plausibly, I suppose, does the reality involve some elements of both? How would I even know?
It is here that, although in the past (especially when I was in my late teens/early twenties) I have been given to morbid introspection, I think I now feel more like Paul. I do not even judge myself. Some things I do know against myself, and in other areas I know of nothing in particular, but this neither justifies nor condemns me. The Lord is the judge. When he comes to reveal the purposes of my heart, this will no doubt be a revelation first and foremost to me.